How to read personal ads:

40-ish.....................49
Adventurer..........Slept with all your friends
Athletic.......................No tits
Average looking.......Has a face like a basset hound
Beautiful...................Pathological liar
Emotionally Secure.......Medicated
Feminist.................... Ugly ball buster
Free spirit.................Junkie
Friendship first.........Trying to live down reputation as a slut
Fun.............................Annoying
Gentle...................... Comatose
Good Listener......... Borderline Autistic
New-Age..............All body hair, all the time
Old-fashioned............Lights out, missionary position only, no BJs
Open-minded............Desperate
Outgoing.....! ..............Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate................Sloppy drunk
Poet....................Depressive Schizophrenic
Professional..............Certified Bitch
Redhead....................Bad dye-job
Romantic............Looks better by candle light
Social.........Has been passed around like an hors d'oeuvres tray
Wants Soulmate........Stalker
Widow.......Drove first husband to shoot himself
Young at heart............Old bat