I wish I could say I wrote this.......................

New Tennessee Barbies!

Barbie Dolls Inc. Announces The Release Today of: Models of Limited Edition Barbie Dolls for the Nashville Market:

Belle Meade Barbie:

This princess Barbie is only sold at the Mall in Green Hills (at selected stores only). She comes with assortment of Kate Spade handbags, a Lexus, a lapdog and a 2 million dollar house. Options include tummy tuck, face lift, spa certificates for Tiba, and a workaholic cheating husband, Dr.Ken.

Brentwood Barbie:

This trendy homemaker Barbie is available with the Lexus SUV or Ford Windstar minivan, gets lost easily, and has no full time occupation or secondary education. Traffic jamming cell phone sold separately. Optional matching gym outfit.

Dickerson Road Barbie:

This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, a Ray Lewis knife, a slammed Chevrolet with oversized wheels and tinted windows and a Methadone Clinic Ken. Also available in a jailbird version with orange coveralls.

Green Hills Condo Barbie:

This yuppie Barbie comes with choice of a BMW sports car or a souped up Hummer 2, Starbucks cup, credit card and shallow Ken.

Cheatham County Barbie:

This white-trash model comes in Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, a NASCAR shirt, big hair, a six pack of Coors Light (FOR YOU GREG) and a Hank, Jr. CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and she can kick Ken's a$$ when she's drunk. A pickup is available with Confederate flag bumper stickers.

Dickson County Barbie:

Similar to the Cheatham County model, but comes with a skin tight polyester tank top in addition to the NASCAR shirt, and substitutes Red Dog for Coors Lite. Jeans are modified to include an expandable waist band in order to (barely) accommodate the extra 250 lbs. she will gain by age 21 as a result of her massive intake of greasy catfish, hush puppies, cornbread, and biscuits with sawmill gravy. Deluxe set includes a 1969 model 5 room trailer bought at salvage after hurricane Camille, complete with semi-attached  front porch which will provide shade and living space for up to 5 dogs (cement foundation blocks and worn out chest type freezer are standard with this model).

Murfreesboro Barbie:

The Murfreesboro version has a mouth that is firmly closed so as not to show her summer teeth, Daisy Dukes and a half T-shirt that guarantees you can see her navel piercing and at least 5 tattoos. Both versions swear incessantly and are not recommended for children. She is an MTSU drop-out (made it through 1 hour of orientation), and has never made it out of what she calls "the rockin' boro"

White House Barbie:

This tobacco chewing, brassy-haired Barbie still has not learned that you can't wear high-heeled sandals from Payless with no pedicure and without breaking a heel and falling while you chase your beer gutted mullet wearing boyfriend. Her make-up is dark red lip liner with lips covered in a sparkly pink color or no fill-in at all. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans with assorted colored G-strings that stick out the back of her jeans, a white barely-there see-through shirt. Her long, layered hair is bleached/highlighted and BIG. Accessories include: CD-player equipped with Bon Jovi, and a 1996 Camaro Z-28.

Smyrna Barbie:

This Barbie is the same model of Barbie that was released in 1982. She comes with shoulderpads, dark polyester skirt, white pantyhose and a bad haircut. Options include a Rick James T-shirt, Wal-Mart purse and outdated shoes.

Antioch Barbie:

Two specialty Barbies are available for this region:

The multi-lingual Barbie is often found at Aldi or frequenting Nolensville Road shopping areas. She comes complete with cigarette lighter/switchblade combo, low rise dirty jeans, a leather jacket and silver hoop earrings. Sold as a set with Ken as Juan the boyfriend driving a black metallic Honda Accord with two bambinos in the back.

The Priest Lake Barbie is sold topless with g-string panties riding the back of a cigar boat driven by totally naked Theresa. Boat options include houseboat upgrade driven by newest addition to the Barbie lineup - Barbie's Sugar Daddy. Barbie's little sister Kelly is the diaper clad munchkin wearing a life jacket that covers her ears. Available only at Elm Hill Marina.